Recently, one of my coaching clients was feeling very emotional and said the last few months had been very hard. He explained that he was frustrated with decisions his adult children were making and with the distance between them. This had become an obsession and was even manifesting as physical and emotional dis-ease: increased anxiety, depressive feelings, a couple colds, and even a broken bone. Something needed to change, and fast.
I introduced him to a set of reflective reframes, tools, and practices designed to help him shift his thoughts and perspective around the situation. I asked him to think about, and journal on, these questions:
Where do you place your attention? In other words, what do you think about repeatedly with regard to your kids?
What is in your circle of control, and what is not yours to manage?
Can you choose, with intention, to focus on the positive parts of the relationship you have with your kids? AND can you find positive things in your kids’ relationships with each other?
Would it be possible to place 2% more trust in your adult kids’ ability to make decisions, learn from their experiences, and grow through them?
Just for a moment, can you imagine them navigating life’s successes and mistakes with resilience and wisdom?
These questions were specific to him and his relationship with his adult children, but the underlying pattern is something many of us recognize: putting enormous amounts of energy into trying to change something or someone we cannot control with the belief that we know a better path forward.
We want to protect our people.
We want to save them from pain.
We want to share what we’ve learned so they don’t have to learn it the hard way.
Sometimes, we even believe we know the best way, or perhaps the only right way.
This is where our attention becomes so important because
where our attention goes, energy flows, and manifestation grows.
If I ask someone to look for all the blue objects in a room, that’s exactly what they’ll find. But while they’re searching for blue, they may completely overlook all the beautiful pink, orange, and yellow objects, even if the room is overflowing with other colors.
What we repeatedly look for, we become more likely to notice.
When we most often focus on what is hard, negative, or challenging, constantly worrying, nitpicking, or criticizing, we’re likely to notice and experience more of those things.
When our focus is on what’s wrong with another person, it can gradually lead to resentment, shame, guilt, emotional distance, less authentic communication, and weaker connection.
Many of us learned this pattern early in life. Through our experiences, our families, and generational conditioning, we may have absorbed the idea that it’s our responsibility to protect people from pain, fix their problems, guide every decision, or ensure the wellbeing of everyone in our circle.
For millennia, our job was to keep our people safe. That instinct is deeply wired into us.
Today, no one wants to see their kids get hurt, their employees make poor decisions, or their friends make choices that negatively affect them long-term.
However, when we constantly question, warn, or criticize, even (especially!) because we care, it can unintentionally chip away at their confidence. They may become more dependent on others, have a harder time making decisions, or even hide their mistakes and questions out of fear of being judged or shamed.
At the same time, we may become increasingly frustrated, resentful, or disappointed when people don’t listen or behave as we hoped. Over time, this can contribute to a dysregulated nervous system, inflammation, and dis-ease for everyone involved.
And here’s the irony: in trying so hard to protect our people, we can actually create the very distance we don’t want. They may begin to resent us, fear our comments or suggestions, or even pull away from communication altogether. It becomes a lose-lose situation.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth:
There are things we cannot and, perhaps, should not control.
We might not know what’s best for others.
Our way might not be the only right way.
We may need to trust others to make their own choices and learn from the consequences, good and bad, along the way.
Sometimes, our attempts to prevent someone else from making mistakes can actually impede the development of the very skills, courage, judgment, and resilience they need to navigate life.
Think about training wheels. 🚲
When a child is learning to ride a bike, we hold on.
We steady them.
We help them learn how to balance.
And then, eventually, the training wheels come off.
We might hold on for a little while longer but, eventually, we let go.
Not because we don’t care, but because we believe that they are capable.
And because that’s how capability grows.
That’s what trust can do.
When people feel trusted rather than managed, they often become more empowered, more self-assured, more able to self-advocate, and more willing to keep communication open and authentic.
Good leaders do this, too.
They provide training, guidance, support, resources, and feedback.
They step in when it’s truly needed or asked for.
And then they allow their people room to try, make mistakes, learn, and grow.
One of my family’s favorite (and often repeated) sayings is that mistakes help us improve. Hopefully, we can learn from others’ mistakes, but we are all guaranteed to make some.
The lesson isn’t to stop caring.
It’s to recognize that we can care without attempting to control the outcome or force our way.
We can love someone without managing them or their choices.
We can support someone without taking responsibility for their choices.
We can offer gentle guidance when it’s asked for, without demanding or expecting that it will be followed.
And we can start leaning into the possibility that the people we care about may be more capable than we’re giving them credit for.
For those of us who feel like we need to control people or situations we don’t actually have control over, the practice becomes learning to return to what is ours.
We can:
Choose our responses.
Carefully pick our words.
Intentionally choose where to place our attention.
Decide how to show up.
The beautiful thing is that when our people—our family, friends, colleagues, employees, or children—feel supported, cared for, heard, respected, and trusted, they might just turn toward us when things go wrong.
Their fall may not hurt as much.
Their healing and growth may happen much more quickly.
They might even ask for advice.
Then, we can choose to catch them, listen, and offer support.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do isn’t to prevent the fall. It’s to trust them enough to let them do their thing and let them know we’ll be there if they need a hand getting back up. 🩵
The best part is that within a trusting, respectful relationship, when things go right, they’re more likely to want to share.
This is how control begins to transform into connection.
A Moment to Reflect ✍️
Settle in and take a few deep, nourishing breaths.
Think about a situation that feels challenging or sticky.
Then spend a few minutes contemplating and journaling on these questions:
Am I trying to control something, or someone, that isn’t actually mine to control?
What happens in my body and with my emotions when I focus on what I can’t change?
What might shift for me, and for my relationship(s), if I redirected some of my energy toward what I can influence?
What is already going well, even within this challenging situation?
Can I put 2% more confidence in myself, another person, or the unfolding of a situation?
What would it look like to love, support, and care deeply without needing to control the outcome?
A Little Practice ✨
This week, when you feel the urge to fix, correct, warn, question, manage, or control, just notice.
Pause, take a breath, and ask yourself: Is this mine to control?
If it is, choose your next action with good intention.
If it isn’t, experiment with loosening your grip, even if it’s just by 2%.
You don’t have to surrender everything at once. You can keep caring and simply practice creating a little more space for trust. Then, notice what happens.
Sometimes the path to more peace isn’t figuring out how to control everything. . . Sometimes it’s learning what is ours to hold, what we can influence, where we can practice a little more trust, and what we need to release.
✨✨✨
From Control to Connection
This is the work we’re practicing together in the Joy Alchemy Community: learning to notice the patterns that keep us stuck, regulate our nervous systems, shift the thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve us, and create more space for joy, connection, ease, and possibility. You are invited to join us for a week for free!
And if you’re navigating something more personal and would love individual support, you may also book a complimentary Pain to Possibility Discovery Call. We can talk about what’s happening, where you’d like to go, and whether working together might be a supportive next step.
Sending you that exhilarating, joyful feeling you get after learning how to do something and finally trying it on your own… like when the training wheels come off! 🚲💛
spot on